“It’s not you, it’s me.”
When I made the decision to join my first matrimonial website my reasoning was this: it’s a matrimonial website so the guys on it are looking for marriage and won’t waste my time. Okay sisters, you can stop laughing now!
As you can imagine I was disappointed. A lot! Even the “dead certain” would turn around and say “I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for marriage”. And while this can leave us fuming, enraged, and heartbroken, chances are he is probably right, he just didn’t realise until the prospect of marriage became a reality.
So what are the warning signs that he may not be ready?
1. He hates his job
For a man, his career can be a very precious and intense thing because he sees it as his ability to be a provider for his future wife and family. It’s not uncommon to meet a man who is having a career crisis. Maybe he wants a new job, maybe he wants to retrain from scratch or he might just be planning a move abroad. Until he can feel that he is in a place from which he can provide, he will not be satisfied. If he’s talking about a change of career or a new location, a wife may be the last thing he actually wants. He may be projecting into the future and imagining his future wife once he has everything in place. But don’t be fooled into thinking you can wait for him to achieve this. As much as you may be willing to support him in this journey, unfortunately he has to be in his solo zone to achieve his goals. It’s a bloke thing!
2. He’s recently single
He may have recently come out of an engagement or marriage (and “recently” can mean a year ago or more!). Maybe he is on the website to “test the waters” and see if he still has what it takes to start again and is still desirable. It’s the Rebound Matrimonial Search. He may claim that having been hurt, he now wants to just find someone serious about marriage. It could work, why not? Be aware that he may be coming from a place of hurt which is never effective when making a decision as big as marriage. Get to know this guy slowly and don’t get too excited by his eagerness to move things along quickly. He could be reacting to past pains. Give it time, protect your heart and keep an open mind.
3. He’s a party boy!
Okay, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have fun and live a fulfilling life! And it’s wonderful to meet an outgoing guy because the likelihood is he will want to try new and exciting things. However, if you get the idea from talking to him and from his photos that his social life is generally parties, clubbing and wild experiences with big groups of friends, you may want to ask yourself how he will adapt to married life. Even if you yourself are into adventurous things, there will come a point where you just want to relax and enjoy each other’s company or focus on raising children. Is he going to want to give it all up or will he run at the first sign of commitment to anything?
Sisters, this is by no means a criticism of our dear brothers. However, if we can keep our eyes, minds and hearts open we will be in a better place to make smart decisions. It happened to me that I once met a brother online whose profile said he was ready to settle down. When I got to know him I discovered he couldn’t stop talking about his ex wife and the hurt he felt, he was restarting his career and he was currently sleeping on the sofa at a friend’s house. But I persevered because he seemed like a nice guy, was easy to talk to and had potential… Big mistake. A few weeks down the line he told me that because I was not like his ex wife, I was not wife material. Ouch! And also, really??
By all means get to know these brothers listed above, maybe one of them will be your soulmate. But ensure that you are not pinning all of your hopes on one man because he is “ticking all the boxes”, even if your instinct is telling you that he’s not ready. Keep meeting other guys until you are both sure this is headed for matrimony!
Happy hunting sisters!
Your Singles Coach
* SISTERS encourages always seeking out halal means to “date” and “chat” – use a wali, use a mahram, use istikara.
Soraya Soobhany-Chohan is a singles coach exclusively for Muslim women who are struggling to get married. She especially likes to work with professional sisters over the age of 30. Soraya was over 30 when she got married and realised that there was a real lack of support for this group. It is for this reason that she created Soraya Singles Coaching. You can find Soraya at www.sorayasinglescoaching.com or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.