 In the last of our three-part series, Sayeda Habib examines how you can encourage others to treat you as you deserve to be treated. Amina continues to share her journey to greater self-esteem - she has begun to see that her life has a purpose. She continues to notice the contributions she is making by being a good wife, mother, and member of the community. She was doing all of these before yet she had not allowed herself to acknowledge any of it. She has enrolled in an Arabic class as she wants to focus more on her own spiritual development. I have seen Amina's self-confidence blossoming through this process. She now keeps a gratitude journal to jot down all the things that are going well and that she is truly grateful for. She told me that she is now beginning to believe that she "is someone". She has begun to value to her life as a gift from Allah. However the other day, she came in for her session very upset. She told me that she had been feeling a bit down the other day, "Things are ok overall, but I just feel that I am not appreciated at times. Something happened at home and I needed a friend to talk to. So I called up my friend Saba. I told her that I was feeling quite down and I needed to talk and she just brushed me off. We have known each other for many years and I've always been there for her, but now I feel that she's been taking advantage of me all this time. I am her friend when it's convenient for her, and she ignores me when she has other options. Friendship is not supposed to be like this. I feel so hurt and betrayed; I don't know what to do." Through coaching, Amina realised that she had been feeling resentful about this friendship for some time. She had accepted this type of behaviour, and had continued to forgive it because she sincerely believed that her friend cared about her. However, something seemed to have changed recently. Amina realised that this friendship is out of balance; it is not meeting any of her needs. Being aware and valuing our own needs are evidence of having self-esteem and a strong sense of self-worth. So naturally, when we begin to value ourselves, we may also notice situations that are not a true representation of who we are. Though the realisation may be painful, this awareness is good news. Amina is becoming more aware of her own needs and is now willing to articulate them. When we value ourselves, we value how we are treated. Amina is less accepting of behaviour that she feels is not worthy of friendship. She felt that the friendship could no longer continue in this way. We talked about building boundaries for the friendship. So what are boundaries? Having boundaries means that we are clear on the kinds of behaviour acceptable to us and those we will not tolerate. Building boundaries does not mean that we shut people out or we behave inappropriately. Instead, boundaries are all about respecting ourselves and others. When a woman senses that she deserves love and respect, she is less likely to settle for an abusive relationship or friendship. I asked her how she would like to be treated in her friendships. She said, "I would like there to be reciprocation. My friends would be there to listen, at least some of the time. And if they can't be there, then they are respectful and polite." I asked her about what kind of behaviour would be unacceptable? She said, "Being put down, or bullied. I don't want to be told that she is better than me all the time. She is always comparing us. We are two separate individuals; I don't see why she always has to win." Amina began clarifying her boundaries in the area of friendships. Exploring our boundaries also means that we explore what we have to give others. Islam teaches us to honour our responsibilities and reach out when we can. We can express our boundaries when we are first able to treat others how we wish to be treated. However, boundaries cannot be enforced on others either. The idea is to be clear about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, so that when we are faced with a situation that may be challenging our boundaries, we can look at it and explore what the best course of action will be. Amina's friendship had been this way for years. So how do you begin to express your needs to others when you may not have done that before? The first step is to really be clear on what you want. You may know what you "don't want" as in, you know that you don't wish to be taken for granted or put down, but how clear are you on what you want instead? Take some time to clarify how you would like things, be specific. The next step is to think about how to approach the person concerned. Plan the conversation in your mind, and be clear about your outcome. Remember that this is about the behaviour of the person and not the person. Begin to set boundaries gently and make requests. Amina rehearsed what she was going to say to her friend, "I really care about our friendship and I hope that we will always be close. I felt very hurt the other day because I felt that I was being brushed off. Please let me know if it is not a good time and when you will be available to chat." When your requests are expressed genuinely and with respect, people will see that you mean them and your self-confidence will shine through. You can build boundaries in any area of your life such as work, friendships, relationships and many others. Remember that you need to be clear about what you want and what you want to achieve before you have the conversation. Self-esteem is a general term that signifies all the beliefs that we have about ourselves. When the general theme is one that is productive and positive in your life, you know that your sense of self-esteem is healthy. Sit in a quiet place and reflect for a few moments. Take the time to ask yourself "Who am I? How do I see myself? How would others describe me?" As you practise some of the tips given in this series, you may well notice how wonderful and unique you are as a person. When that begins to happen, expressing yourself to others will become more natural and rewarding. Knowing your worth as a human being is a gift to yourself and to the world. When you can value yourself, you can help others to discover their worth too. Sayeda Habib is a Life Coach and Hypnotherapist. She specialises in working with the Muslim community through workshops and individual sessions. She has been featured in Rapport magazine, Eesha, and Venus Television and been the agony aunt for BBC radio Gloucestershire. Sayeda says "Muslims know that Allah's Will supersedes everything and yet He has granted us free will. Allah loves us to strive towards our goals; whether they are material or spiritual. We need to make an effort to better our lives and then rely on Allah for the rest. I have seen people overcome personal and emotional trauma, find peace, contentment and happiness and life coaching has played a part in them achieving that. I feel privileged to be able to make a positive difference to others." To find out more about Life Coaching for Muslims or to get in touch with Sayeda log on to www.makelifehappen.com, call ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() 0870 067 1722![]() or email Sayeda@makelifehappen.com
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It is a wonderful article.well done .It comes to show how we as women weather we daughters.wives or mothers we tend to not give ourselves credit and a tap on our backs for multitasking all our chores.We should at least once a week spoil ourselves and go shopping or get pampered as a reward for all our hardwork for the week.We should also do our household chores with the intention of gaining Allah's pleasure and we will reap the rewards inshallah and we will find pleasure in doing our work with a smiling face.
salam,i really think self esteem has to start with the individual,you let people know what you want and how you want to be treated by others,most especially in our relationship with our spouse.
I think self-esteem like happiness is what we give to ourselves. People most of he time treat us the way they perceived we want to be treated. Therefore, we must carry ourselves with confidence and respect for others to respect us and as a result our self-esteem will grow exceedingly.
Thank you for this article - it's wonderful. I have sent it to my friend, who is going through a hardship in her marriage and where she lost her self-esteem. I hope your words will help her to stand up for her rights, re-evaluate her boundaries and value how she should be treated.