An anonymous sister shares her husband’s fight with drugs – and her own inner struggle to find peace.
When I became Muslim eight years ago, my Muslim boyfriend started practising too. It was wonderful. I fantasised about how married life would be, holding hands through the trials of life and hoping, insha Allah, to make it through the gates of Jannah together.
However, Hassan*’s enthusiasm for the dean began to wane and I realised he was not going to be the kind of Muslim I had fantasised about. By the time our first child was toddling I would often be alone at home while he met up with old friends.
The times when I needed him and he wasn’t around seemed to become more frequent. I became pregnant with our second child. It was during this time that I worried Hassan might be seriously ill. He was losing so much weight. At worst, his 5ft 10 frame plummeted to 8 stone. His clothes were hanging off him and I saw his hip bones protruding toward the skin. I would often hear him being sick but he would pretend he was fine. The day I saw blood in his shorts my instant thought was “cancer”. I urged him to see the doctor but he would brush it away and tell me he was just stressed out with work.
When our new son was only 9 weeks old it all became clear. While cleaning out a spare room, I discovered something that caused me to feel as though the ground had been pulled from beneath me. In my hands were pieces of burnt foil, pungent in smell, with a dirty burnt residue on it. I instantly knew that this was heroin.
My instant reaction was shock. Then it was as if all the puzzle pieces came together. All those times I had seen him take some foil and leave the house, saying it was for sheesha. Or the times when he had left me alone when I really needed him, like after my son was born and I could barely walk up the stairs. I realised why he was unable to get out of bed at the weekends, the weight loss and why he was sick all those times.
It has now been over four years since that fateful day. I have exhausted all options. He has left the home on three occasions. Every time, I consulted Allah though istikhara prayer. Each time I hoped that he would be returned to me in a beautiful state. That he would once again be that loving man, father and husband, but most of all, that he would become a humble servant to Allah.
On each occasion he came home with a truly wonderful disposition. He would start attending the mosque for prayers, even Fajr. His body language was completely different. Honesty replaced lies. He could look in my eyes again. I saw a glimpse of what life could be like. I saw a man who I hoped Allah truly loved. There was peace in our home instead of turmoil.
In these times it was as though Allah was showing us how beautiful this pure life is and we both felt such true happiness. But just one weak moment and perhaps the whisper of Shaitan and it was all undone. The relapses broke my heart all over again.
It has been hard to keep my own character pure. Sometimes anger and rage overtake me. Yet when I cry into my pillow, it is to Allah that I sob. Being reminded that Allah loves the ones He tests has got me through and knowing that indeed after hardship comes ease. I wait for that ease to come insha Allah.
I often wonder why it is that Allah always returns Hassan to me, only for him to return back to sinful ways after a short time of peace. Each time, I was so willing to give him up forever if that was what Allah was more pleased with. I was inspired by Ibrahim (alayhisalam), who was ready to sacrifice his son out of obedience to Allah. Yet every time I let go, Allah returned him back to me, just as Ismail was returned to Ibrahim.
Each time it was only through the Mercy of Allah that I was able to give it another go. Now, however, I have come to a point where I realise that Allah would not want me to bear such pain. An addict in a family is like throwing a rock into still water. It causes so many ripples in every way. It has been very unsettling for my children. My daughter says she never wants to get married. At their young age, they will base marriage and parenthood on what they have observed in my husband and I.
I have recently gathered the strength to ask Hassan to leave. And this time for a very long time, perhaps forever, Allah knows best and He is The Best of Planners. At times thoughts of my husband can overtake me. By removing him from the home I am able to concentrate on my relationship with Allah and my children.
In all of this I have felt closer to Allah. I feel as though I have lost my husband but I have gained a stronger bond with Allah. Whenever I have turned towards people I have always been let down. It is in those times I know that Allah is my only Wali, Protector and Helper.
Allah only changes a people who change themselves. Now it is down to Hassan. He must seek to get professional help, so please make du’a that Allah puts it in his heart and opens a way for us. I also know that he will never stay clean unless he remains consistent when turning back to Allah.
During my test I have realised that are so many more sisters like me, going through this hardship. I have seen some sisters get stronger and others weaker in their Islam. It is a tough test to go through yet the only way through is by completely submitting to Allah and seeking His Help and Guidance throughout. I pray for all our sisters and brothers who are suffering in this way. May Allah guide us and forgive us all. Ameen.
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I can understand how difficult it is to live with a person who is addicted to drugs. I also was living with a husband who had a drug addiction and it was so so hard. All those promises to stop and the lying; even stealing and abuse. In the end I had to choose for my son and myself, because it is like you mentioned in your article: Allah only changes a people who change themselves.
A person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs will put his/her addiction on the first place instead of Islam and his/her family.
May Allah make things easier for you Inshallah and May Allah guide us all to the way of truth Ameen
I pray Allah makes easy for you and for us and give you rewad for persevering.Innallaha ma'asabirin. Allah is with the patient
As salamu aleykum,
I can understand how difficult it is to live with a person who is addicted to drugs. I also was living with a husband who had a drug addiction and it was so so hard. All those promises to stop and the lying; even stealing and abuse. In the end I had to choose for my son and myself, because it is like you mentioned in your article: Allah only changes a people who change themselves.
A person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs will put his/her addiction on the first place instead of Islam and his/her family.
Wish you all the best sister.
Wa salamu aleykum